I should preface this by saying I thought The Dark Knight was a great movie. I’ve seen it three times and thoroughly enjoyed it every time. (Perhaps even more so each time.) However, it is getting a little too much credit and too much hype, with people throwing around phases like “absolutely amazing” and “best movie EVER” and “Hey, don’t stick that in there!” It currently has a 9.4 on IMDb, good for FIRST all-time. That is why I have decided to point out five things about this movie that flat-out sucked. An awesome movie it was, but it was not without its flaws.
By the way, there will be some spoilers in the following text, so if you haven’t already seen the movie I recommend shooting yourself in the face doing so before you read on further.
5. Some lame dialogue
Perfect example: When the cops are arresting Maroney and all the other criminals, one of them (the guy Ledger eventually takes hostage in the police station, I think) is putting a criminal in the back of a cop car and says to him, “Have a nice trip…see you next fall.” Really, Christopher Nolan? Really?! That line was lame decades ago and has been in thousands of movies since. This movie is supposed to be so cool and badass, and lots of it was. But for you to just throw a stupid ass line like this in there, especially when you could have said nothing there and it would have been fine, is retarded.
In all honesty, it would have made for much better commentary on my part if I could have remembered a few more examples. But oh well.
4. I knew Gary Oldman was alive.
So maybe this can’t actually be characterized as something that “sucked about The Dark Knight” since most people seem to have been fooled. But I’m listing it anyway. To me, it was blatantly obvious that Oldman was not dead the entire time. Reasons why:
- He had no “Ahhh, I’m dying” scene. There was just a gunshot and he’s down. Then he had no funeral or anything like that.
- When they told his family about his death, it became obvious that he was faking his death in order to protect him and his family from being targeted by The Joker.
- He’s Gary mothafuckin’ Oldman. They’re not just gonna kill him like that with hardly a mention.
The character’s last name is Gordon, and if you’ve ever seen a Batman movie you should have known the second he appeared in Batman Begins that he was destined to become Commissioner Gordon, which he hadn’t yet.
Not to mention, could it have been any more suspicious that the guy driving the armored truck wouldn’t utter a word or make a noise, despite the fact that the passenger guy was bitching and moaning the whole time and had about 20 scenes where he’d say something to the incognito Oldman. To me, that was a clear tip-off that Oldman was alive and driving the truck. It wouldn’t have been more obvious if they put a sign around his neck that said: “Pay no attention to the driver of this armored truck. He is of no importance, and he’s certainly not Gary Oldman’s character who “died” earlier in this film.”
3. Ruining a Lamborghini
Was this not the most sickening thing about the whole movie? Forget the Joker sticking a razorblade in someone’s mouth, smashing a guy’s head into a table or flipping Jake Gyllenhaal over and doing him dry. (That last one might be the wrong Ledger movie.) Was there no possible way they could have had Wayne protect Coleman Reese other than having him throw his beautiful Lamborghini in front of a truck to get smashed? How the hell did this scene not secure the movie an R rating?
2. Batman’s voice
How the fuck were you all just not laughing your asses off at this over-the-top, raspy voice Bale put on when he was Batman? It was the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I mean I get the whole thing about him changing his voice so that he’s not quite as recognizable as Bruce Wayne, but there had to have been something else they could have done. Not to mention, he also often had a lisp when he talked as batman and sounded like he was chewing on the insides of his cheeks. You know what I mean? Watch the movie again and listen closely. There’s one part where he says something like “You’re a symbol for good” but he can’t say ’symbol’ and it comes out “shymbol.” It’s really lame and not just in my head. Check it out.
Hey, looks like I’m not the only one that noticed:
1. Maggie Gyllenhaal
Oh. My. Fucking. God. Could this chick be any uglier? (Hint: No, she could not.) Jesus freaking Christ, if this movie had’t been so awesome I might have had my experienced ruined by her face and walked out early. She’s so god-awful hideous I can’t stand it. It’s just another reason for hating Tom Cruise for brainwashing Katie Holmes and not letting her outside to make this sequel. And maybe Gyllenhaal is a better actress than Holmes, which my mom pointed out, but my response to that would be WHO THE FUCK CARES WHEN THE BETTER ACTRESS LOOKS LIKE A CHIPMUNK THAT SOMEONE HIT IN THE FACE WITH A FRYING PAN?! I know Katie Holmes couldn’t reprise her role, but was there no one else that could have done it? Anyone would have been better than Gyllenhaal. A couple people I would have preferred in this role off the top of my head: Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman, Dame Judi Dench, Vin Diesel.
Ah. Much better.
I think we should make a constitutional amendment that makes it punishable by death to preserve Maggie Gyllenhaal’s face in film or print. I’m not joking.
It seems that for the Green Bay Packers’ 2008 season opener, which happens to be a Monday Night Football game being broadcast by ESPN, the network as decided to give me a complete Brett Favre theme. As Trey Wingo has apparently said, it’s going to be “all Brett Favre, all the time.”